So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
