i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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