When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
