R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
