i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
