Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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