I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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