I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
