EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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