Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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