Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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