His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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