i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
