I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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