you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
