I'm jealous of your bromance
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
