we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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