did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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