No awkward lesbian experiences without me
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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