i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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