if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
