cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Randomize
