The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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