my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
