woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
