Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
