I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
