i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
