My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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