I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
