this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
