If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
