I faked an abortion last night.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
