It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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