Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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