she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
