I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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