i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
