Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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