Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
