I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
