I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
