just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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