im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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