Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
