Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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