i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
