I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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