every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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