cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
