Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
