I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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